WHY are all mothers empowered with an almost UNIVERSAL sense of - Kid Radar, X-Ray Vision, Mind-Reading, Eyes-In-The-Back-Of-My-Head anatomical features, and other MYSTERIOUS gifts that NO ONE ELSE (well maybe a very FEW select dads) seems to possess?
I'll tell you. Me, Ace -- I stumbled on the answer to this mystery that plagues billions of kids all over the world.
From jungle hut to tenement, or laissez-faire 25 room mansion somewhere out in Hoity Toity land -- no matter where a kid lives -- s/he is confronted by The Mysterious Ways of the Mom, from a very very early age. How to deal with it?? Where does it come from? Why does Mom know what we are up to, no matter how hard we try to hide our ways from her !!!!?????
The answer is .............are you ready for this?.............MOTHER'S SCHOOL!!!
Well, my friend, when the first child is born, the mother travels on an Astral Plane (NO delays here -- No grounding, no circling the airport on this Plane!!!) -- She travels to "Mother's School", where she is taught "The Way of the Mommy". And the interesting thing about this is -- once she "graduates", she DOES NOT REMEMBER WHERE SHE HAS BEEN!"
But now, her kid(s) are in for it!
In "Mother's School" the new Mom learns many things -- guaranteed to confuse her kids and keep them on their toes -- not the least of which is "Speaking in the Duality of Opposites" --
Let me give you some examples:
(Cooing and smiling) "Here, let ME do it for you -- after all, I AM your mother!"
This turns into:
(Definitely NOT Cooing and smiling) "You want ME to do THAT for you?! What am I, your MAID? Do it yourself!"
"Eat, Eat, my dear -- so you can grow upto be a big and healthy Astronaut / President / CEO / Secretary / Housewife (these phrases are dependent on how liberated your mother is).
But it turns into:
"You're eating me out of house and home!! Geddoudahere - go eat at your friends'!!" (But you can't, 'cuz your friends are getting the SAME lecture!!!!)
How can we forget:
"I got eyes in theback of my head - I can see EVERYTHING you are doing!!"
I really believed that when I was little, but one day as Mom said that to me and then stormed away, I Iooked at the back of her head and said to myself, with all the solemnity of a child who has discovered a great truth -
"No way -- there's too much hair back there --she just can't SEE through it all!!"
Now, there is also:
"Make sure you wear CLEAN UNDERWEAR -- so if you (heaven forbid!) get run over by a truck, the doctor won't think that I, your Mother, am raising a slob!!
BUT -- it turns into this!!! (verbatim, my quote, followed by my mother's retort):
ME - (Much throat clearing, and mild whimpering) "Ma - I got a doctor's appointment today, but my undershirt is dirty"
MOM --"Geddoudahere!! The doctor doesn't care what your underwear looks like!!!"
And last but not least -
"YOU are such a TERRIBLE child......that when I die, I am leaving ALL of my money to a STRANGER!!!"
Now -- this is not as bad as you may think - One day -- YOU may receive an inheritance from some stranger's MOTHER!!
Bless you Mom -- you kept me on my toes, and when I had finally figured out what this was all about, I guess it was because I didn't need it any more!!
Your kid forever -- Ace